Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Deleting deleting deleting

Okay, so I've been wondering whether or not I should delete even more posts.... I've already deleted quite a few and the reason for that was because I didn't want my blog to become filled with hate and rant posts..... The main purpose for my blog was to post about the things I love and my "fun" life.....

Obviously I strayed kinda far from that if you read my past posts... And even the last two are both hating on something. But I can't find myself to delete those because the things I talked about are TRULY about how I feel, so I guess I'll keep them - just hope that I don't seem like a disgusting person, but whatever it's your opinion.

I deleted my other posts not only because they were depressing and yucky, but also because I want to erase it from my memory. Those previous posts reflected on how hurt and mistreated I was from certain people and how depressed I felt on certain events. Those events hurt me so much that I just wanted to get it out of my head, but the way I do that is write it all down somewhere. If it was in a notebook, eventually I'd rip the page out to kinda symbolize that it's not worth remembering anymore and that I should just throw it away. And I guess on here, I'd just delete it.

Anyway, my "deleting" hasn't stopped from there. Recently I've also been deleting a lot of pictures on my Facebook and untagging myself in many more. Some pictures were just getting old, so I had to delete and untag myself from them. But most of the pictures that I had to untag myself from were my freshmen college pictures. If you read my previous depressing posts, you'd know that my freshmen college year wasn't the best thing to ever want to remember again (plus I don't want pictures of me super red and beer cans all around me do I?). I literally untagged myself in EVERY college picture I could find except for like two because I'm still good friends with the girl I'm in the picture with.

As I was continuously untagging myself, I was still looking through the pictures and it just made me feel even more sad and depressed... Why didn't I just live through a normal college year? 99% of all college kids have a blast in their freshmen year and I just happen to be in that 1% that struggled through it.... But the pictures said something else... I looked like I was having a ton of fun... It looked like I had a ton of friends. I looked liked I went out all the time and overall led a healthy, typical American college student life. I even took down my favorite New York trip pictures.... I saw pictures from my first stupid frat parties with my first girl friends and we all looks so happy in them. I saw pictures of me and my friends all dressed up and dancing and posing. But the pictures didn't tell everything I went through, which was why I had to delete and untag myself in ALL of those pictures.

(funny thing too... there were some pictures I really really really wanted to keep because I looked really pretty and skinny in them.... but I couldn't be biased and shallow lol)

Anyway, know I have this thought in my head... Does deleting everything actually make me feel better? In a way, it kinda does. I actually DO feel like none of that has happened before because nothing is there for me to be reminded of them! If I can't remember those bad times, what is there for me to be sad about? And I also feel as if I'm free from those bad memories and nothing pulls me down anymore. For example, when I had friend issues, I was constantly reminded of them and it was really hard for me to get my confidence back to make new friends. Now, there's nothing to hold me back and I'm more excited than ever to meet new people. Deleting those posts and pictures and everything else related makes me feel free.

I guess the only "sad" part of doing all of this is that I DID have those memories and it's just showing that I missed out a lot in life and now I'm just erasing everything. It's kind of (KIND OF) of like "running away" which most people in this world can agree that running away is a cowardly and stupid thing to do.

But my personality can care less. I just have to have the best interest of keeping myself healthy and happy, so if deleting and throwing away memories is how it works for me, then I'll do it.

And I'm not trying to encourage people to delete and throw away every physical thing that reminds them of something bad. I mean, I get into a ton of fights with my dad, but I don't rip up and burn every picture I have with him or throw away his shoes or something. I just write what happened down, think about it for some time, and then throw away those papers. I'm just saying that writing things down and throwing it away can really help you feel better in a pretty healthy way and you feel free of it after. (I guess you can keep it... ButI don't think keeping every negative piece you write is such a good idea because, well, it's not happy.) As for the pictures on Facebook, you might as well delete and untag every picture because you'll eventually get sick of them lol. Just kidding, just give it some thought like I did.


STILL! Why do I still keep some depressing posts when I already deleted a lot of other ones? Well again, I just feel strongly about those things I've written about, especially my "ugly" post.

In the end, I just have to give it a lot of thought about deleting memories from my past. Only I can look after myself and I have to look forward to live a happy and eventful life! Don't let stupid crap make you feel any less about yourself!

THUMBS UP! from One Two's single "Very Good!" 'cuz you deserve it lol