Ok, so this is a continuation of the previous blog post I had about how I feel really lonely. The reason why I’m continuing this depressing post is because MORE things added on to my issue, as life usually does.
So remember how I mentioned how I have this girl friend that was making me feel all depressed? The one that thought I was stupid in picking guys and the same one that wants to be super popular and slyly use me to get more friends? WELL GUESS WHAT?!?! That same girl is contributing even more to my loneliness and doubtfulness of who my real friends are or not.
This past weekend I had an AMAZING TIME – which I will post about with nice pictures probably right after this one. I had planned to leave and I told all of my friends that I was leaving to see my family and to see my middle/high school friend of 6+ years to party at Harvard or MIT. I told them this because I wanted them to know that I was going home because of pre-plans and not because I didn’t want to hang out with them or anything. In fact, a part of me really wanted to stay that weekend because my friends were hanging out together for the first time in a while and partying together.
And I happened to tell that girl my plans for the weekend. So she knew the basic, overall details of my weekend plans.
That same weekend also happened to be the same weekend when my friend was going to bring her hometown friends over to our school to celebrate one of her friend’s 21st birthday. And my friend was invited me, our group, and a few other of her close friends. But obviously I couldn’t go because of my pre-plans. I even felt terrible for not being able to hand out with my friends – AGAIN – so I took the last bottle of rice wine that I was saving for all of us to drink together and wrote a long note and taped them together to let them know much I actually DO care about them and how I really wish that I could stay. I gave them the bottle to kinda make it seem as if I was drinking with them since rice wine is my favorite drink – and they know that too. So it was all good!
At least that was what I thought….
Basically this is what happened when I got back from my amazing Veteran’s Day weekend, which I will again talk about soon. So the Monday after I got back, I was so busy with work that I had to do that I wasn’t able to eat with my friends for dinner. So I go into the dining commons to eat quickly by myself, but I saw my Korean friend A, and that girl that I’m talking about in this post let’s call her B. They were eating together and of course I joined in like a normal person. A had to leave because she had to go to the gym – I should’ve joined since I’m getting fat and lazy haha.
So it was just me and B together. And she was saying those typical lines to me again. The “Oh, this weekend felt SO EMPTY without you”, “I missed you soo much home-girl”, and “Oh my god, I want to know EVERYTHING about your weekend!”. Personally I didn’t want to tell her EVERYTHING that happened during my weekend since there were things that I really wanted to just keep to myself. Seriously, she has to be in EVERY aspect of my life. So I told her the bare minimal… And again, the stupid things like, “Oh I hope you were careful with the MIT boys” blah blah blah shit since she thinks I’m super stupid with boys.
Then in turn, I asked her how her weekend was. And BOOM she went crazy and started to laugh and went straight into telling me her weekend.
This is the story that really pissed me off / mad / sad / depressed / confused / jealous too…
On Thursday night, which was the night that my friend threw that 21st birthday for her friend, B went too because she was invited. Okay, I don’t really care about the invitation because what probably happened was that she bumped into my friend and since she is trying so hard to meet all of my friends and kind of sucks up to them, my friend invited her. Okay, maybe it does get on my nerves. Anyway, B did end up going and she partied with them.
She met and got to know ALL of my close friends. ALL OF THEM. And B told me that she had a ton of fun playing beer pong with them and drinking and hanging out with them. So she met all of them. Had a lot of fun with them. Really, REALLY liked them.
She also got the number of one of the guys (at least I think she only got one…. For all I know she probably has all of their numbers already). Anyway that one guy happens to be the same guy that I was talking about in my previous post I HATE BEING LAST TO KNOW. The same guy that liked me for so long. And I HAVE told her about that too and her reply to all of that was something like, “oh he sounds like a weird guy” sort of thing. But now that she actually met him her reply was, “OH MY GOD STEPH THAT’S THE SAME GUY AS BEFORE! HAHAHA I think he’s soooooooo freakin’ cute. I don’t know, I just fall for guys like him. Ahhh I got his number and everything, but Steph I can so tell how he’s not your type. Yeah help me get to know him and stuff!”.
As a friend I said okay. WhyamIsonicewtf
Then she continued. “Yeah Steph, He’s so interesting. I actually went smoking with him and ___” (my other friend of mine). And this is what kind of got me mad about this. First off, I’m not too sure what kind of smoking it is, but it was probably cigarettes. This got me a little mad because my friends and I have been trying to make ___ not smoke cigarettes, and I have a feeling that she wanted to smoke and kinda got him tempted to smoke too. Second, this girl has a thing about smoking. She always tells me how she doesn’t want to smoke, blah blah. And then the next thing I know, she starts smoking for the first time this semester and smokes every time she drinks too. Honestly, I really do believe she started smoking, not to relieve stress, but to fit in with the cool, party crazy kids.
And last but not least, this is what got me really thinking about everything I’ve been depressed about. She continued talking and finally said this…
“Steph, I hope you’re not getting the idea that I’m like… intruding or hanging out with your friends all the time. Like, when I was there I was thinking things like, ‘ooohhh so these are Steph’s close friends, no wonder why she wants to hang out with them all the time’. I really like them, but I was thinking how I was hanging out with them without you being there because you know, I was hanging out with them and you weren’t there hahahhaa. But yeah, I love how you and S have your own group of friends that’s like totally separate. I want one too haha.”
Okay. Okay? Okay. At first I thought, okay this is typical. But then it just hit me and I started to feel sad all of a sudden. Why did she have to tell me that? It made me feel like she WANTED to hang out with them really bad, with or without me being there, because she couldn’t stop talking about them. And what was with the having your own separate group of friends shit? Yeah I have my own, but STOP INTRUDING. I don’t give a shit if you want to have your own, but do you have to come into mine?
Okay, okay I sound like a total bitch right now. I sound exclusive and all, but when I say that she is literally wanting to be in EVERY aspect of my life and doesn’t want to me to be in any of her personal “groups” of friends, I mean it and it DOES BOTHER ME.
It made me feel like she was using me to get to know more people. And since my friends happen to party pretty well, she wants to be with them every time we throw something – and funny how there is another story about that that happened this past weekend… And guess what, even though our friend S also has her own group, I don’t think B hangs out with them because they’re not “cool” party kids. She just has all of their numbers and texts them like a crazy cat lady.
I just know it. She just wants to be fucking popular as shit. I mean, it just makes sense of all of the things she’s said to me and how she acts. I just don’t like it. It’s making me feel like I have no group anymore to go to, especially with the fact that my friends are accepting her!
It just all hurts to think all of this. I really don’t want to be a bitch by being like “NO THEY’RE MY FRIENDS” type of childish shit. Just… Why… Why do people just want to know everything? Be friends with everyone? Take away something that is special to you? In my case, the group of friends that I have are the special to me in my college life. Why does she just HAVE to be a part of that too and take that specialness away?