Tuesday, November 8, 2011

That One Good Friend that You Don't Have

I've been moody lately. I'm not PMSing or anything. It's just been that I've been feeling kinda lonely lately and I've been noticing that my moods have been changing around some people... I can't even study normally in my room or in the library anymore.

Sorry. I'm going to be ranting about my emotions instead of catching up to my life on this blog, but UGH!!! I know you've been through this stuff too!

Like... Don't you HATE IT when people just "switch" on you

What about when you feel like people don't really give a shit about you. 

Oh, and when they say things in your face that just kind of show that they think you're stupid. 

And I don't know about you, but isn't it MAD ANNOYING when you're the chill one that introduces you to people since you're nice and believe that everyone should know and love one another blah blah blah, but then that person you're helping out kindly just... uses you to meet more people and just.. UGH take credit or something for things and start taking away your own friends?

And to make things worse, these people are your own, "close", friends.




So I don't know exactly when I started to feel this way, but all I know now is that I'm feeling lonely again. I feel that I have no, real, close group of friends that I can always rely on. I ALWAYS have my sisters and my cousin, but I'm talking about just MY OWN, separate group.

A group, or even just one person that I can just be completely open with. Someone that can try to get out of his or her way to meet up with me and I'd do the same. Someone that is always willing to talk to me and do things with me when they have free time. Someone that won't criticize me in a way that will actually hurt my feelings. Or just ditch me when there's someone new or better around. I just want someone that just understands me. (this is sounding like I want a boyfriend... but I'm just wanting a friend)

I bet everyone wants someone like that. Whether that person is a friend, a family member, or even a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of thing. But it's really hard to find that group or that one person. It's really hard.

I thought I found my awesome group of friends after my ridiculous drama during the end of my freshmen year. The thing that I found the most attractive about them was the fact that we were still able to be really good friends after hanging out with other groups of people or after being gone for a  week because of studying. We understood that we all had our own schedules that didn't always match up, yet we were all able to have a good time with each other when we did meet up late in the glass room in the library, or even on a random day in Boston.

But lately, I've been getting the cold shoulder. Or at least I feel that way.

With my group of friends, we barely hang out anymore. I know that we're all busy, but when there IS actually a chance for us to hang out, a small portion of them decide to do their own thing; never inviting us to go with them. Or when I mention something to do for all of us, they try to be nice about it, but they turn down the offer in the end.

I always mention how we should all just watch a movie together and just chill, but they never really respond to me... The fucked up thing is that just the other night I found out that they're all going to watch a scary movie together on Friday. I always ask to watch a scary movie, but instead they go out drinking on their own. And now when someone else in my group brings it up, EVERYONE wants to do it without any objection.

And another funny thing is that I'm not going to be there that weekend.

I also feel that I don't connect with anyone in my group anymore. I don't know all of the details in their past life, and I don't need to know, but it's getting to a point where it seems like they don't want to open up to me at all. Like all the girls have personally heard past life stories from the guys. I'm the only one that hasn't. I'm not scary or not trustworthy or anything either! I don't understand... But it does hurt knowing that...



And there's this one other person. When I first started to get to know her, I thought that she was one of the best friends that I made. She would always open up to me and I would open up to her. We'd help each other with each other's problems. We'd get excited over similar things. Stuff like that. She'd always say how this other friend of ours and I are her two best girls and how I am a really good friend. And she would also ask me if I would want to go to a party with her the next weekend, or if I wanted to room with her off campus or in the apartments. But then she'd just switch out on me.

She would totally forget that she invited me and apologize. I would hear her ask other girls to room with her next year and would totally ignore me, probably because she forgot or those girls are better than me or something. And things like that would constantly happen.

Soon I realized that the things she told me were things that she told EVERYONE. In reality, I guess I wasn't that special or good of a friend.

But there's more to that. I feel like that she's using me to meet more people. She would always come to me and tell me how sad she felt about how she doesn't know that many people and how she was jealous of me because I seemed so popular. Apparently when we walk together, a lot of people say hi to me when they pass by and she envies that. As a friend, I would of course say things like, "oh no, you do have a ton of great friends", "you're so outgoing", and the biggest mistake - "yo, I'll introduce you to my friends."

When she heard me say that, she got so excited. And now all I can say is that she thinks that she's really chill with them now and talks to them as if I don't know who they are and I kind of get left out of the conversation.

And when it comes to guys...... I would support her with who she would like, but when she would hear my stories, she would oppose to it. I used to have interest in pepperoni and she would just be like, "oh stay away from him, he's pretty bad." She doesn't even know the guy and when she DOES MEET HIM, she acts all cool with him and acts as if they're all really super close friends. And now that I have interest in a guy that I met in New York University, she again goes all "New York guys are the worst", "don't get involved with him" and stuff like that. Again, SHE DOESN'T KNOW HIM. She thinks I'm mad stupid with guys and she's a genius or something when she herself doesn't know shit.

Now I'm figuring out that she's just one of those girls that wants to be popular. The one that knows everyone on campus. The cool girl that has connections with all the parties. Wants to fit in by drinking and smoking. But then wants all of the older guys and girls to take care of her and watch out for her when she does. She wants to be the younger sister or brother to everyone. The best girl friend to girls. Wants all of the guys to be super close to her so that she can share her problems with them and have them open up to her.

I guess everyone, including me, kinda wants to be like that. But I just don't like how she went through me to meet a ton of other people in my group. I didn't like what I saw during this past trip and she acted with the older oppa's and unnie's and the two "cool" new guys.

I feel like I'm used, lied to, and just stepped all over when something "better" comes along.

And I thought I was finally getting that one good friend.

I just remembered something else... I would be telling a story to a friend and then she would totally butt in and take over since the story was about one of the "cool" new guys that came to our trip... Rude much.



And there's another girl that has been showing her bad side too. But, shit, I don't want to write about it...

Anyway! I'm having trust issues again. I feel like no one is actually there for me. When I think I find a good person, there's always something off.

Maybe it's just me. I'm just too picky. I know no one is perfect, but it's just too much of how I've been treated. Maybe I'm the one with the damn problem and not my friends. I'm the one that's too judgmental? Am I the one that's off? Am I just being too bitchy? Maybe no one wants to get close with me because the way I act and think is fucked up or something...

In the end, I just feel lonely again. I don't have anyone that I can just go up to and talk about this guy that I think is cute without being thought of being retarded... Or someone to just watch a simple movie with me. No one calls me anymore to just talk about life. I just get texts about if they want to go eat or borrow my homework. And when I ask if anyone wants to eat with me, it seems like a huge problem for them.

I just don't have anyone to tell them that I feel lonely.

The trust issues are coming back. I bet you've felt this way, or are feeling that way now.
And I guess the only way to solve this problem is to keep searching.

3 comments:

  1. yeah.. you know i know how you feel. you, me, and sungkyung are all kinda feeling this loneliness in our own ways. although i just blogged about how today was an alright day, of course i'm still lonely and crap. actually, just yesterday on the bus i was on the verge of crying just because i was thinking about how i still haven't found the right friends for me, how i feel like i have no friends, etc. i understood everything in your post because you told me about it before :D but yeah, i guess we all just need to stay positive for now... i hope we all find good friends and happiness soon...

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  2. HOUH INSPIRATIONAL WORDS FROM MAH SISTAR. Kind of funny how us 3 all have the same problems... And i hope one of the girls ISNT the sleepover one. please tell meh no. she's to nice roight? anyways. yes tro tro keep searching for that one friend. I think i already said it but rachel feels the same wayish, so it's somewhat good?

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