Monday, June 11, 2012

I'm not stupid, I'm doing just fine

Today I did a lot of thinking when I woke up at 10am today, realizing that I missed church again - this time because I went to my friend's 21st birthday get together really late last night.

First I thought about the birthday. I was really excited about it because it was going to be my first time seeing my closest college friends during this summer. Even though it is the summer, it's so hard for me to meet my friends because we're all busy with work, internships, and more. But most of us were able to make it last night to celebrate one of my closest girl friends 21st!

Like I said, is wasn't anything huge, especially since we are all underage but her and one other. So it's not like we rented a VIP room to a club in Boston, haha. We went to eat together. I was the first one to arrive in the restaurant in Chinatown and I just felt happier and happier as I saw my friend's come in one by one. 

We ordered a lot of food and we couldn't stop talking as we were all catching up on how our summer's were. This was when I started to feel a little sad. Pretty much all of my friends are all really busy with great (and well paid!) internships and work or taking EMT summer classes - that's a lot of commitment and work. I was the only one that was still looking for work and pretty much sleeping and doing nothing all day except for Wednesdays for just four hours... I told my friends that since I have nothing to hide and honesty is always good. 

To my surprise, I got interesting responses from everyone. The most I got was about how I should be really happy that I am volunteering in a large and well known hospital in Boston. Especially since I'm volunteering in the emergency room with no previous hospital-setting exposure of any kind. I must have made some kind of impression to get the position right away because those kind of positions are usually very limited and competitive. I should be happy that I'm not sorting out the mail or tossing the soiled linen in the buckets as volunteering!

And the most interesting one was from one of my friends that's interning right now. He told me that he honestly wished he just relaxed this summer before his junior year rather than take on the internship. Relax?! I've been stressing out everyday since school ended about finding a simple job and I just feel like I'm wasting away my money, energy, and most importantly, TIME. But my friend's argument was that this summer, our summer before that we all become juniors, is the time to relax and do maybe do something small before the next year when it'll probably count more and we would have more experience in life to take on something even bigger.

But the sooner you get an internship during your college experience the better, right? Well, the internship made my friend realize that later on the career road, whether you interned for some amazing company or not at our specific age, it doesn't really matter. 

At his internship, there are SO many interns that he feels like he's not getting anything super special from it, and yet he works eight hours almost everyday. How much time and energy he puts into it isn't worth the experience that he's getting. He was basically telling me that having an internship isn't as big of a deal as it might sound, especially in this age when everyone is so competitive to get a job. And since this economy is so bad, it's so hard getting work even at the smallest places. I'm a prime example for that statement, sadly to say. There are many, MANY people out there that aren't super busy like him working for a big company for the summer, yet they're going to be just fine in the long run. As long as they don't slack off in school of course. Even though what I'm doing now may seem nothing, IT'S NOT. And I can always make my experience bigger and better if I keep working on it!

The rest of my friends agreed. Just relax and keep on doing what I'm doing. I just have to make my next summer the big one - and I've been making big plans on how to achieve that anyway! It's not like I'm stupid...

It's not like I'm stupid.

I missed church again.

I'm really not that stupid... And I missed church again... Stupidity and church... You see where I'm going?

That was the second thing I did a lot of thinking on: people at my church think I'm really stupid... They underestimate me all the time. 


Don't get me wrong, I love going to church. I just hate how some, well in my case a lot of people, just can't get rid of their ideals on what an intelligent person looks like and how they should act. And another thing I want to put out is that it's not just church people, it's a lot of people at school and random gatherings. So I don't want people thinking shit like, "oh see Christians are all corrupted and fake. The church is a just a place for people to gather and surround themselves with others saying that they'll always be forgiven with their sins and soak in their glory thinking that they're better than everyone else just because they're Christians." I hear stuff like that all the time, and those statements have no foundation, and it has nothing to do what I'm going to be talking about. It just happens that this morning I specifically thought about the people at my own church since I did happen to miss it again. 

Anyway, as I got older, I started to dye my hair to brighter colors, dress more stylishly and not so plain or conservatively, and wear makeup. For many years in my church, I was always one of the very few or the only one with brightly dyed hair and that just made me stand out. And because of the way my eyes are shaped, I have to wear thicker eye liner than others. With those two combined, a lot of people started to assume that I went out a lot and partied, had a lot of boyfriends or some kind of relationship with guys, and didn't really study. Some kids would ask me on the side as if they were going to get something juicy out of me. Nope, all during high school I was a smart girl that just went home right after school to finish my homework and watch TV with my mom. I never had a thing with any guy either.

At the end of the day, my mom would tell me how I just look like a 걸레. A 걸레 is literally a rag that people use to wash things with, google translate says it's a mop. But in slang, when someone is called a 걸레, it pretty much means that they're being called a slut. She wouldn't mean it in a harsh way, but she was just worried that the other ahjummas might think that. She's right too, if she thinks slightly as a joke in that way, of course other ahjummas would think that. That, of course, doesn't help me look any smarter.

I remember that sometimes when I'm talking to some other guys and girls my age, I could just tell by the way they answer me and how they look at me, that they think that they're better than me because I "look" dumb. Especially when on the topic of school, grades, SATs, extracurricular stuff, and college. OH! Another thing I forgot was the fact that I didn't SPEAK Korean fluently made some people my age look down upon me. Which sucks because it's not like I don't understand it and can't converse with a Korean at all...

Just because I like and know what things make myself look prettier in the way I want to, doesn't make me any less stupid. I know one's appearance is a pretty efficient way to judge a person's character but it's not always right. I can't lie that I do it too, but I never talk to that person with a weird attitude thinking that I'm better than them. When I want to make some kind of final judgement (ignoring my first instincts), I usually go with what kind of impression I get after talking with that person. But nope that's not what happened most of the time with me.

And I am not as stupid as many people may think of me. I don't really want to talk about how exactly, but I'll just say that I did really well in high school as I was a part of the National Honors Society and did well on SATs, and I have other talents here and there. But I sure didn't look like I had any of those associated with me to them!

My mom would obviously be proud of me and talk about me and how well I did to other ahjummas when they asked. She would tell me later that they had a really surprised look when they heard my grades and scores as if they was impossible and just question me... And when it came to college, ugh, I hated it.

Even now, I still get that look from others. It has gotten better though since people finally KNOW me who for I really am and not by my looks. But nonetheless, it's still enough reason for me to shut up about how I want to become a plastic surgeon and even what I'm doing this summer to church people and ahjummas. I told my mom and my sisters not to tell others either. 

Shouldn't I just be loud and proud about it? Maybe. But I just hate getting those awkward "oh"s and "really?"s. Besides, I'd much rather come out at the end after I succeed and shove my success in their faces and just prove that I am indeed a smart girl rather than a stupid one. damn people.

But... Can I really succeed in the end? Can I get to medical school after I graduate? Can I keep up with the work and stress of probably not being able to marry at an early age? Can I even become a plastic surgeon in the end? 

Of course I think I can do it. I believe that I have the passion to become one. Though, I can't lie that I'm scared of failure. I read blogs by actual plastic surgeons all day and they emphasize on how much work they did to get through it all and how there is a high failure rate to get certified even after completing medical school and residencies. And the amount of material I need to know by heart for the MCATs. It's a lot. I'll say it again, it's a lot. Even though most of it is just review for me, just knowing that I'll need to remember EVERYTHING for that one day in the future is just a one way street to frying my brain. *sigh*

But... I'm not stupid. Some church people got to know me really well and they confessed that they thought I was a party girl and can truly believe me when I say that I do well in school. My sister and my parents believe in me and so do my friends from school.

According to my friends too, what I've been doing and what I'm doing now is just as good as someone who has a big internship. I'm not stupid enough to make dumb decisions that can ruin my aspirations. 

I also remember... When I went to volunteer last time, I got to know one of the sweetest old ladies I've ever met named Linda. She told me her son's life story about the non-typical road he took to become the surgeon next door to the office that we were in. It amazed me by the fact that anything can happen! And that was her good message to me, anything can happen as long as I know what I want - and I'll get it. 

And who knows? Maybe along the way some event will happen that will change my life and maybe I won't want to become a plastic surgeon anymore. I'm not saying that's likely, but anything can happen - maybe I'll want to go into dermatology instead? Or even fashion retail? LOL NO WAY

So yeah it took me a lot of thinking today to make me feel assured that I'm not stupid. In fact, I'm doing just fine and I will succeed in the long run. Just can't stop working hard and continue to love what I love. Which is making me and others look and feel better about themselves! And I don't need other's dumb assumptions about my intelligence and their non-belief in me and my goals. They're probably just scared of me possibly being smarter than they think. Or jealous that someone that dresses better than them also has brains. ㅎㅎㅎ 

Now all I gotta worry about is finding a namja like Kim Soo Hyun

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