Everything Is Connected

This is just a quick update of what's been going on and what future posts there will be....

Basically, there are a bunch of posts that I haven't done yet because it's finals week and I just don't have the time to write about it.

And of course I'm going t o write about.... HOW THIS WEEK SUCKED DRAGON BALLS.

I've just been having a really depressing week. I've been feeling lonely, sad, jealous, excited, and even angry. Yeah. Really, really angry. What's been making  me feel that way is a mixture of many, many things...

And the funny thing is that.... If I actually posted up the things I wanted to right after they happened, you can probably notice my depression and anger building up.

The things that happened this week just all... MADE SENSE.

Everything is connected to each other. The people I met, the things that happened to me, the things that I noticed, how I felt about certain things at those times... It just all came together this week and I'm just ready to blow up at someone and go on a crazy rampage and start throwing dishes at people.

I literally feel like this on the inside about EVERYTHING. I can't even focus on typing this stuff because it's reminding me of the shitty things and iuhsanwedsbfzjncuwinjk23rjwnekfnsdf.

*BREATHES*

OKAY. So it's the beginning of December. The Advent Season. The month when snow begins to fall, lights are decorating the streets, people have long vacations, gifts are being bought here and there. Trips are being planned among families and friends. Everyone is happy about the Christmas season or Hanukkah or whatever the hell people celebrate. The same month when people are jolly and fat pieces of shit that just sdfsdfsdfHGGFAGEF. *BREATHES AGAIN*

Why aren't I excited about the holidays? The beginnings of a new year? The only thing I'm excited is to get away from people... I need to be alone and strapped down in a white room for a month.

So yeah. After tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to be typing away with the blog posts right up until what happened this week. Hopefully it'll get more of my stress out, and you will enjoy reading how stupid people are and how stupid I am...

Stay angry this season guys.

(you know I'm kidding, right? ho...ho... hoe.)

Palty Hair Dye: Jewelry Ash Review

The first thing I do when I get back from for the wonderful Thanksgiving break: DYE MY HAIR.

Jewelry Ash

I ordered two boxes of the famous Daryiya Palty hair dye in Jewelry Ash. For those that don't know, Daryiya is a Japanese brand that is most well known for their Palty hair dye collection since they have a really nice range of different hair colors.

Some boxes, I believe these are a new line of colors since the application style is different

These are just SOME of their available colors! SO PRETTY

Anyway. I was attracted to use this brand for a few reasons.

FIRST! I wanted to dye my hair a darker and a slight purple undertone. I hate orange hair now.

Second, I've heard of this brand for so long, I just had to try it. And the jewelry ash color is so freakin' pretty

Thrid, I read a lot of shitty reviews and I want to make one that actually has truth in it MUAHAHA thasright

So I got home and opened up my package right away!

You can compare the lighting quality with the picture of the jewelry ash above lol

Okay, first of all, the colors don't even match the color on the model on the front of the box. And from the looks of it, it just seems like it makes your hair lighter than what it is now. I mean, why would you get some funny color if you had blonde hair? Usually if you have blonde hair, the color is even MORE like the color on the box.... So that's my first sketch feeling about this.

The things inside the box :) I love how it's all pinkk

Instructions all in Japanese... I had to look online to find an English translation haha.
But it looks cute!

There's a cut out on the back of the box to put in the bottle so you can mix the chemicals easier or something...
People must have been really stupid to have to make this little invention... lol
you can see the twix I ate

SO! Let me show you what my hair looked like before I started to dye it! And yes, I know my hair is pretty damaged. I had a digital perm a while back and it's still growing out and I refuse to chop it off all at once because I like my hair long. I've been trimming it bit by bit, so it's really not that bad compared to when I first got it. Honestly, I like my hair. #leavemealone

My hair is orange-brown as I explained here.

Hair up really close. You can kinda see in the upper right side that it's really light.. I have this like random streak of blond hair because of the effects of being the sunlight haha

*no changing in lighting and I just used my old sony digital camera*

*next few pictures are taken with my shitty 4Gen ipod touch just to show different lighting*

Looks SUPER orange!

BYE BYE ORANGE HAIR!!! 

Just to let you guys know, I'm not one of those people who don't wash their hair for like two or more days before dying it. I honestly don't care about that shit. I take showers every night, so before I would normally take a shower, that's the time I would dye my hair. So yeah, the last time I washed my hair before dying it was the night before.

I had to find a trash bag so that the formula wouldn't get on my awesome shirt.

Anyway, I put the good stuff on my roots first since the gross dark brown was growing in. I left it in for about 5 minutes. Normally I would leave it in about 5 more minutes, but because this brand apparently has a bit of bleach in it, it doesn't take long for the coloring to work.

Oh and one thing I noticed immediately was that IT DOES NOT SMELL. Okay, it was a VERY VERY VERY VERY FAINT smell, but seriously, if you compare it to other hair dye products, this is AMAZING!

Another thing is that one box was perfectly enough for me. A lot of people said that they would recommend two boxes... But I mean, I have long, but kind of thin, hair and it was enough. I don't know, up to you. If you have thick and long hair, then yeah, you should have two just in case.

It took me about another 10 minutes to evenly put in it in the rest of my hair. By then I could already see a bit of a color change in my roots!

The instructions said to leave it in for 20 minutes after and then wash it out. To be honest, I never follow the times in the instructions because I just follow by how my hair looks. Asian hair is usually thicker and if you have dyed hair like me, it just changes everything. My advice, go by your own instincts on how long or short you should leave the dye in... Don't leave it in too long cuz your hair will be all fucked up and then you'll blame people like me :)

I wiped some of the stuff off and you can kind of see the grey/light purple colors of the hair dye. excittinggg

So yeah, after 20 minutes, my hair looked strangely... Not jewelry ash or purple. In fact it didn't really look dark at all, which was what I was going for. Even my roots seemed... light.

I washed everything out and blow dried my hair to see the results!

And GUESS WHAT?!?!





It just made my hair a few shades darker.... -______-

FUCK.

Here are some before&after pictures to show you the amazing difference...

*nostrils flaring* OH MY GOD. REALLY? I should've expected this since the past reviews I've read and seen didn't seem to favor Palty too, too much.

BUT! Here are the pros to using this:
1. My roots are all gone!
2. My hair actually dyed really evenly. That random streak of blonde is pretty much gone and is the same color as the rest of my hair.
3. The product doesn't smell bad at all compared to every other hair dye out there!
4. Damage-wise, my hair is in the same exact condition as it was before. So healthy on the top and gross on the bottom because of my stupid perm.
5. The orange tints are all gone - so I guess it does has that "ashy" undertone to it even though it's basically a brown shade instead of purple/red.

cons:
1. No where near the color I've been wanting. I know that this has worked for some people, it does seem that it doesn't for most people, including me... And I've been dying my hair for so long - I know what I'm doing. But this is my conclusion to why this jewelry ash color failed me... This product apparently has bleach as I mentioned before. Therefore, it will only make you hair lighter and lighter and the effects of actually making it a purple color like the one showed on the box is not as strong as the bleach. Which is why the box shows that if you have blond hair, the end result isn't a more vibrant jewelry ash color, but a weird ashy brown color. My hair is an orange... So yeah. And I feel like I should've shortened the time... Maybe it wouldn't have been as light as it is now so that the bleach didn't keep on doing its thing.

Will I use Palty's Jewelry Ash again?

Probably not. But my final conclusion about this color is: DON'T USE IT UNLESS YOU START OUT WITH DARK HAIR. If you have hair color that's like mine or lighter, you probably won't get that ashy purple color that is so pretty :'(

BUT I will like to try out other colors by Palty! I feel like if I tried a might brighter color, it would've come out really nice. But I'm not the type of asian that will dye their hair blonde... Actually, maybe it might happen... I only have one life and I want to try it out before I need to get interviewed for some amazing job or something lol




SO OVERALL!!!!!!!.........



it's aiight


HAHAHA That's my review! I hope you found it much more helpful than the other shitty ones I've seen! 

Did you really have to tell me that?

Ok, so this is a continuation of the previous blog post I had about how I feel really lonely. The reason why I’m continuing this depressing post is because MORE things added on to my issue, as life usually does.

So remember how I mentioned how I have this girl friend that was making me feel all depressed? The one that thought I was stupid in picking guys and the same one that wants to be super popular and slyly use me to get more friends? WELL GUESS WHAT?!?! That same girl is contributing even more to my loneliness and doubtfulness of who my real friends are or not.

This past weekend I had an AMAZING TIME – which I will post about with nice pictures probably right after this one. I had planned to leave and I told all of my friends that I was leaving to see my family and to see my middle/high school friend of 6+ years to party at Harvard or MIT. I told them this because I wanted them to know that I was going home because of pre-plans and not because I didn’t want to hang out with them or anything. In fact, a part of me really wanted to stay that weekend because my friends were hanging out together for the first time in a while and partying together.

And I happened to tell that girl my plans for the weekend. So she knew the basic, overall details of my weekend plans.

That same weekend also happened to be the same weekend when my friend was going to bring her hometown friends over to our school to celebrate one of her friend’s 21^st birthday. And my friend was invited me, our group, and a few other of her close friends. But obviously I couldn’t go because of my pre-plans. I even felt terrible for not being able to hand out with my friends – AGAIN – so I took the last bottle of rice wine that I was saving for all of us to drink together and wrote a long note and taped them together to let them know much I actually DO care about them and how I really wish that I could stay. I gave them the bottle to kinda make it seem as if I was drinking with them since rice wine is my favorite drink – and they know that too. So it was all good!

At least that was what I thought….

Basically this is what happened when I got back from my amazing Veteran’s Day weekend, which I will again talk about soon. So the Monday after I got back, I was so busy with work that I had to do that I wasn’t able to eat with my friends for dinner. So I go into the dining commons to eat quickly by myself, but I saw my Korean friend A, and that girl that I’m talking about in this post let’s call her B. They were eating together and of course I joined in like a normal person. A had to leave because she had to go to the gym – I should’ve joined since I’m getting fat and lazy haha.

So it was just me and B together. And she was saying those typical lines to me again. The “Oh, this weekend felt SO EMPTY without you”, “I missed you soo much home-girl”, and “Oh my god, I want to know EVERYTHING about your weekend!”. Personally I didn’t want to tell her EVERYTHING that happened during my weekend since there were things that I really wanted to just keep to myself. Seriously, she has to be in EVERY aspect of my life. So I told her the bare minimal… And again, the stupid things like, “Oh I hope you were careful with the MIT boys” blah blah blah shit since she thinks I’m super stupid with boys.

Then in turn, I asked her how her weekend was. And BOOM she went crazy and started to laugh and went straight into telling me her weekend.

This is the story that really pissed me off / mad / sad / depressed / confused / jealous too…

On Thursday night, which was the night that my friend threw that 21^st birthday for her friend, B went too because she was invited. Okay, I don’t really care about the invitation because what probably happened was that she bumped into my friend and since she is trying so hard to meet all of my friends and kind of sucks up to them, my friend invited her. Okay, maybe it does get on my nerves. Anyway, B did end up going and she partied with them.

She met and got to know ALL of my close friends. ALL OF THEM. And B told me that she had a ton of fun playing beer pong with them and drinking and hanging out with them. So she met all of them. Had a lot of fun with them. Really, REALLY liked them.

She also got the number of one of the guys (at least I think she only got one…. For all I know she probably has all of their numbers already). Anyway that one guy happens to be the same guy that I was talking about in my previous post I HATE BEING LAST TO KNOW. The same guy that liked me for so long. And I HAVE told her about that too and her reply to all of that was something like, “oh he sounds like a weird guy” sort of thing. But now that she actually met him her reply was, “OH MY GOD STEPH THAT’S THE SAME GUY AS BEFORE! HAHAHA I think he’s soooooooo freakin’ cute. I don’t know, I just fall for guys like him. Ahhh I got his number and everything, but Steph I can so tell how he’s not your type. Yeah help me get to know him and stuff!”.

As a friend I said okay. WhyamIsonicewtf

Then she continued. “Yeah Steph, He’s so interesting. I actually went smoking with him and ___” (my other friend of mine). And this is what kind of got me mad about this. First off, I’m not too sure what kind of smoking it is, but it was probably cigarettes. This got me a little mad because my friends and I have been trying to make ___ not smoke cigarettes, and I have a feeling that she wanted to smoke and kinda got him tempted to smoke too. Second, this girl has a thing about smoking. She always tells me how she doesn’t want to smoke, blah blah. And then the next thing I know, she starts smoking for the first time this semester and smokes every time she drinks too. Honestly, I really do believe she started smoking, not to relieve stress, but to fit in with the cool, party crazy kids.

And last but not least, this is what got me really thinking about everything I’ve been depressed about. She continued talking and finally said this…

“Steph, I hope you’re not getting the idea that I’m like… intruding or hanging out with your friends all the time. Like, when I was there I was thinking things like, ‘ooohhh so these are Steph’s close friends, no wonder why she wants to hang out with them all the time’. I really like them, but I was thinking how I was hanging out with them without you being there because you know, I was hanging out with them and you weren’t there hahahhaa. But yeah, I love how you and S have your own group of friends that’s like totally separate. I want one too haha.”

Okay. Okay? Okay. At first I thought, okay this is typical. But then it just hit me and I started to feel sad all of a sudden. Why did she have to tell me that? It made me feel like she WANTED to hang out with them really bad, with or without me being there, because she couldn’t stop talking about them. And what was with the having your own separate group of friends shit? Yeah I have my own, but STOP INTRUDING. I don’t give a shit if you want to have your own, but do you have to come into mine?

Okay, okay I sound like a total bitch right now. I sound exclusive and all, but when I say that she is literally wanting to be in EVERY aspect of my life and doesn’t want to me to be in any of her personal “groups” of friends, I mean it and it DOES BOTHER ME.

It made me feel like she was using me to get to know more people. And since my friends happen to party pretty well, she wants to be with them every time we throw something – and funny how there is another story about that that happened this past weekend…  And guess what, even though our friend S also has her own group, I don’t think B hangs out with them because they’re not “cool” party kids. She just has all of their numbers and texts them like a crazy cat lady.

I just know it. She just wants to be fucking popular as shit. I mean, it just makes sense of all of the things she’s said to me and how she acts. I just don’t like it. It’s making me feel like I have no group anymore to go to, especially with the fact that my friends are accepting her!

It just all hurts to think all of this. I really don’t want to be a bitch by being like “NO THEY’RE MY FRIENDS” type of childish shit. Just… Why… Why do people just want to know everything? Be friends with everyone? Take away something that is special to you? In my case, the group of friends that I have are the special to me in my college life. Why does she just HAVE to be a part of that too and take that specialness away?

Really Quick Rant on my Hair

I just want to share what I've been thinking about lately...

I WANT TO DYE MY HAIR.

Ok, not even. I NEED to dye my hair.

I'm JUST SICK OF IT ALREADY. that's not a good thing..

My roots are growing... They're already a bit more than an inch and, ugh, it looks narsty. Especially since my natrual hair color is really dark brown and my dyed hair looks orange-brown.

And I put my hair up a lot, so when you look at me, you can see them.

Usually I clip my bangs back like that so you see my hair gradually change color lol
Btw. That's my sister, Sarah with me :)

It's been bothering me so much that I can't freaking focus on studying for my two exams that I have coming up. dontknowwhattodowhatthefreak

So I dyed my hair back in the beginning of September. I used the brand that I usually use, 꽃을든 남자 - don't know how to translate that... Man of flowers? I don't know haha.

And since it was kind of summer, I really wanted brighter, orange-er hair. So instead of usually dying it cappuccino brown (CN7), I used something else. I can't remember if it was N6 or N8. And I should've taken a picture, but too lazy. 

That was really stupid, because that's a summer color and before I knew it, it was fall already. And fall clothing always looks better with darker hair. NOW I WANT DARK HAIR!

BUT I AM CONFLICTED! I want to dye my hair, but my bottom half of my hair is still damaged due to that shitty digital perm I got earlier this year. Effin' regret it. You can read about that here and see why I am against perms. Seriously... Just learn how to blow dry your hair well and use a curling iron. That's all you need. I'm serious.

The new color that is attracting me is a darker color. Last year I had wine-red/purple hair that only lasted a month before the color faded to brown (fml) and you can actually read how I wanted orange hair... 

I WANT SOMETHING LIKE THESE:

Palty's Mauve

Palty's Jewelry Ash 

Okay, so it's not that dark. But you get what I mean... I'm loving that purple tone in hair and I really want to try out the Japanese brand Palty that every girl probably knows about. I can already imagine my hair that color and ahhh I would look so much better in my fall and winter clothes. Seriously, if I could get that jewelry ash color... It looks so damn beautiful.

I am scared that my hair will die because of the chemicals... And since I've never used this before, I have no personal experience on how well the color comes out and how LONG it lasts. That's why I hate american brands- on asian hair at least - because the color fades so fast. I'm also scared of bleaching. I WILL NOT BLEACH.

I found this picture on google that shows the results of using the jewelry ash or mauve color.
Seems somewhat promising of getting that purple/gray color that I want.

I just want to dye it soon.... Thanksgiving break is coming soon, so maybe then. Shit that means I have to order it right now. 

That's it.

My hair is too orange. I mean... look at like blonde streak too! 

I'm going to do it.

Going to order it right now.

End of blog. - PEACE

Hopefully I'll have a new post about dyed hair soon!

That One Good Friend that You Don't Have

I've been moody lately. I'm not PMSing or anything. It's just been that I've been feeling kinda lonely lately and I've been noticing that my moods have been changing around some people... I can't even study normally in my room or in the library anymore.

Sorry. I'm going to be ranting about my emotions instead of catching up to my life on this blog, but UGH!!! I know you've been through this stuff too!

Like... Don't you HATE IT when people just "switch" on you? 

What about when you feel like people don't really give a shit about you. 

Oh, and when they say things in your face that just kind of show that they think you're stupid. 

And I don't know about you, but isn't it MAD ANNOYING when you're the chill one that introduces you to people since you're nice and believe that everyone should know and love one another blah blah blah, but then that person you're helping out kindly just... uses you to meet more people and just.. UGH take credit or something for things and start taking away your own friends?

And to make things worse, these people are your own, "close", friends.




So I don't know exactly when I started to feel this way, but all I know now is that I'm feeling lonely again. I feel that I have no, real, close group of friends that I can always rely on. I ALWAYS have my sisters and my cousin, but I'm talking about just MY OWN, separate group.

A group, or even just one person that I can just be completely open with. Someone that can try to get out of his or her way to meet up with me and I'd do the same. Someone that is always willing to talk to me and do things with me when they have free time. Someone that won't criticize me in a way that will actually hurt my feelings. Or just ditch me when there's someone new or better around. I just want someone that just understands me. (this is sounding like I want a boyfriend... but I'm just wanting a friend)

I bet everyone wants someone like that. Whether that person is a friend, a family member, or even a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of thing. But it's really hard to find that group or that one person. It's really hard.

I thought I found my awesome group of friends after my ridiculous drama during the end of my freshmen year. The thing that I found the most attractive about them was the fact that we were still able to be really good friends after hanging out with other groups of people or after being gone for a  week because of studying. We understood that we all had our own schedules that didn't always match up, yet we were all able to have a good time with each other when we did meet up late in the glass room in the library, or even on a random day in Boston.

But lately, I've been getting the cold shoulder. Or at least I feel that way.

With my group of friends, we barely hang out anymore. I know that we're all busy, but when there IS actually a chance for us to hang out, a small portion of them decide to do their own thing; never inviting us to go with them. Or when I mention something to do for all of us, they try to be nice about it, but they turn down the offer in the end.

I always mention how we should all just watch a movie together and just chill, but they never really respond to me... The fucked up thing is that just the other night I found out that they're all going to watch a scary movie together on Friday. I always ask to watch a scary movie, but instead they go out drinking on their own. And now when someone else in my group brings it up, EVERYONE wants to do it without any objection.

And another funny thing is that I'm not going to be there that weekend.

I also feel that I don't connect with anyone in my group anymore. I don't know all of the details in their past life, and I don't need to know, but it's getting to a point where it seems like they don't want to open up to me at all. Like all the girls have personally heard past life stories from the guys. I'm the only one that hasn't. I'm not scary or not trustworthy or anything either! I don't understand... But it does hurt knowing that...



And there's this one other person. When I first started to get to know her, I thought that she was one of the best friends that I made. She would always open up to me and I would open up to her. We'd help each other with each other's problems. We'd get excited over similar things. Stuff like that. She'd always say how this other friend of ours and I are her two best girls and how I am a really good friend. And she would also ask me if I would want to go to a party with her the next weekend, or if I wanted to room with her off campus or in the apartments. But then she'd just switch out on me.

She would totally forget that she invited me and apologize. I would hear her ask other girls to room with her next year and would totally ignore me, probably because she forgot or those girls are better than me or something. And things like that would constantly happen.

Soon I realized that the things she told me were things that she told EVERYONE. In reality, I guess I wasn't that special or good of a friend.

But there's more to that. I feel like that she's using me to meet more people. She would always come to me and tell me how sad she felt about how she doesn't know that many people and how she was jealous of me because I seemed so popular. Apparently when we walk together, a lot of people say hi to me when they pass by and she envies that. As a friend, I would of course say things like, "oh no, you do have a ton of great friends", "you're so outgoing", and the biggest mistake - "yo, I'll introduce you to my friends."

When she heard me say that, she got so excited. And now all I can say is that she thinks that she's really chill with them now and talks to them as if I don't know who they are and I kind of get left out of the conversation.

And when it comes to guys...... I would support her with who she would like, but when she would hear my stories, she would oppose to it. I used to have interest in pepperoni and she would just be like, "oh stay away from him, he's pretty bad." She doesn't even know the guy and when she DOES MEET HIM, she acts all cool with him and acts as if they're all really super close friends. And now that I have interest in a guy that I met in New York University, she again goes all "New York guys are the worst", "don't get involved with him" and stuff like that. Again, SHE DOESN'T KNOW HIM. She thinks I'm mad stupid with guys and she's a genius or something when she herself doesn't know shit.

Now I'm figuring out that she's just one of those girls that wants to be popular. The one that knows everyone on campus. The cool girl that has connections with all the parties. Wants to fit in by drinking and smoking. But then wants all of the older guys and girls to take care of her and watch out for her when she does. She wants to be the younger sister or brother to everyone. The best girl friend to girls. Wants all of the guys to be super close to her so that she can share her problems with them and have them open up to her.

I guess everyone, including me, kinda wants to be like that. But I just don't like how she went through me to meet a ton of other people in my group. I didn't like what I saw during this past trip and she acted with the older oppa's and unnie's and the two "cool" new guys.

I feel like I'm used, lied to, and just stepped all over when something "better" comes along.

And I thought I was finally getting that one good friend.

I just remembered something else... I would be telling a story to a friend and then she would totally butt in and take over since the story was about one of the "cool" new guys that came to our trip... Rude much.



And there's another girl that has been showing her bad side too. But, shit, I don't want to write about it...

Anyway! I'm having trust issues again. I feel like no one is actually there for me. When I think I find a good person, there's always something off.

Maybe it's just me. I'm just too picky. I know no one is perfect, but it's just too much of how I've been treated. Maybe I'm the one with the damn problem and not my friends. I'm the one that's too judgmental? Am I the one that's off? Am I just being too bitchy? Maybe no one wants to get close with me because the way I act and think is fucked up or something...

In the end, I just feel lonely again. I don't have anyone that I can just go up to and talk about this guy that I think is cute without being thought of being retarded... Or someone to just watch a simple movie with me. No one calls me anymore to just talk about life. I just get texts about if they want to go eat or borrow my homework. And when I ask if anyone wants to eat with me, it seems like a huge problem for them.

I just don't have anyone to tell them that I feel lonely.

The trust issues are coming back. I bet you've felt this way, or are feeling that way now.
And I guess the only way to solve this problem is to keep searching.

Columbus Day Weekend '11

So the past weekend was probably one of the best weekends I've had in a LONG time. A lot of good things happened and I heard of a lot of new news... So let me talk about it before I forget.

Friday the 7th, one of my friends, who is also my neighbor back at home, and my best Korean friend, Amy, and I took the bus together. Wow what a bad sentence, but I'm not really paying attention sorry.... hehe. Anyway we decided to take the 8:05 PM bus back to Boston. But before we left, we ate together and there was BULGOGI at our DC! They NEVER have good food, let alone real Korean food, there and it was just so good to have Korean food. They only have Chinese and Vietnamese and sushi there... Korean food is too expensive I guess :(

But that's because it's so freaking good!

We went for the bus and we find out that like 8 other people we knew were also taking the same bus as us, so that was kinda fun.

Then Amy and I got home. She decided to sleep over because her stay home guardians were going to pick her up the next day. She got to meet my lovely sisters and my cousin and we all had a pretty good night. Oh, and my dad was home for the weekend which was surprising because he's been in Utah for the past month.

We ate, talked, played games, and I revealed to all of them about the new guy that I've taken interest in... His new name is now pepperoni (LOL).

The day after that, we just hung out, and my neighbor came over (he's a guy so he wasn't allowed to sleep over hahaha) Amy had to leave early than expected, but we couldn't help that. But my neighbor friend and I wanted to go apple picking since he's never been to the town farm and we took my sisters and cousin too! And it was actually fun. Apple picking. I wasn't able to do that last year with my sisters because when I came back for the weekend, I drank so much and got no sleep so I slept for most of the time....  But we went! We picked SO MANY and I don't even think they'll be able to eat them all.

My favorite were the PINK PEARL apples! They're small and yellow, with a hint of pink, but when you bite into them, they're pink in the inside! It. was. so...... amazing. Surprisingly, they were the best tasting too.

Okay, they weren't THAT pink, but you get the idea haha

And we went to the "petting zoo" that was on the farm, but they freakin' changed everything so you can't actually pet them anymore. And the bunnies and pigs weren't there anymore... I wonder if they got eaten or stolen or something. But yes, that was fun. Jeero also did some funny stuff with the chickens and her nom nom, but I'm too lazy to upload the video hahaha.

Then later that night we said bye to my friend, who my sisters and cousin really liked hehe, and we just bummed around until church people came over. I didn't really pay attention to them, but the baby that was there was the CUTEST THING EVER and I just had to take a good picture with him... and videos too :)

So yeah, that was a fun Saturday.

Then on Sunday I felt terrible. I heard of the news about the passing away of a family friend of ours due to cancer. She was the mom of three boys, two are over 20 years old, and the youngest son is only about 11. I'm pretty good friends with one of the older ones since he was my group leader when I went out to my first mission trip for church in Philadelphia, and we just went to the same church for so many years. The youngest boy is also really friendly with me and I always joked around with him. My mom loves the youngest one and she was also really good friends with the mom.

I really liked the mom too. I've had lunch with her before when I would be tagging along with my mom. She would always compliment me about how much prettier I've gotten or how funny I was. And I just remember the good laughs and the "insas" we always did. But that Sunday, there was a special service at church and the wake or the funeral was that night (I can't remember which one was on that day).

But I didn't go because I overslept. Seriously though, I felt so disrespectful because I was getting angry at the fact that the whole funeral business was giving me a hard time with the things I was planning for the weekend. But I didn't go because I overslept? What kind of reason is that? And I can only imagine how hard it is for the family too. And I knew her pretty well too and yet, I didn't attend any of the services... I still feel bad, but I do think about still.

Other than that, for the rest of the day I just did my own thing. And of course my sisters my cousin and I talked on foreverrrrr. But we did get to sleep over our cousin's new apartment/house thing. I got my GD&TOP POSTER!!!! AHHHHHHH

But yeah, we ate KFC, leftover Chinese food, and talked and I did my nails.

The next day, my aunt and I drove around so that I could practice driving for my road test that was the day after. I sucked, but that's okay. We also went to the mall. I need a TON of new stuff because I've been making holes in all of my clothes.... And leggings... But I ended up only getting a plain white long'sleeved shirt. There was this really pretty jacket from Zara that I REALLY wanted, but the material felt so weird/bad/cheap that I didn't get it..... But it was SO PRETTY :( And it was only $99.90... I should've just bought it... I need jackets for fall.. And it's blue ahhhhh I'll stop now. My mom knows best and I listened to her...

I want it I want it.

I also wanted to buy a blazer at the cheapest place every, Forever21, but they were either ugly or they didn't have my size. Fuck you forever21. lol.

That night, I ate Chinese food AGAIN. It was just a grease fest for me. uggghhh.

So I was supposed to go to school that Monday night, but because of my road test, I didn't! So I got to spend more time at home~ Anyway, Tuesday morning, I went out to Haverhill, got my aunt's car and took my road test. I WAS SO FREAKING NERVOUS because I'm being TESTED.

The lady has such a kind heart. SO KIND. And I passed!!! I HAVE MY LICENSE!!! I was so shakey after and even she was like I know you're just nervous hahaha. But I took my picture and got my temporary license right after! BUT UGH!!! I CAME OUT SO UGLY!!!!!! And I have to keep that picture for a pretty long time :(

I can drive now guys. Watch out! HAHA

My mom was so nervous for me, yet happy. And my dad heard of the news and he took me and my mom out to eat Japanese food, which was go good. I told my dad how I was doing really well in school now and how I could've been teaching a class for a job. But I didn't have the guts to ask him about studying abroad to Korea for the summer... What I wanted to do was the impress him with my good stuff and then tell him about Korea, but I was too scared that he was going to say no... Oh well. next time?

Then my dad decided to drive me back to school. And along the way, he bought me good stuff ;)

Anyway, I had a really good weekend. I did a lot of stuff, talked about a lot of things, and slept a lot. Even though I had a shitty last night doing work that I didn't do over the weekend, it was worth it. I got t miss class on Tuesday, so it's a really short week for me muahaha.

I Hate Being Last to Know....

Don't you absolutely HATE it when someone goes to you and tells you something like, "I know something that you don't know?"!?!?!?!? Don't you get so freakin' curious that you can't stop thinking about that thing that your friend knows that you can't know? I don't know about you, but when that happens, I start thinking about it like crazy and start investigating and then I want to punch everyone until I find out.

Well, something like this happened a few days ago. And of course, the "thing" that I didn't know and wasn't "allowed" to know had to do something with me. And of course, it had to relate to a guy, or else it wouldn't have been juicy enough to post up on here... ha.ha.ha.

It all started when a friend of mine came up to me and said, "Steph, are you ready for the upcoming events?" I had no idea what she was talking about and I asked. She goes, "HA! I can't tell you!! And no one knows about it except for me!" And ran away.

At first I thought she was just playing around since she just came out of the shower and I just went back to doing my homework. But then the evilness came in my head and I started to think of all these possibilities of what she could have meant. So then I found my friend and BEGGED her to tell me. It must have been good gossip stuff since she told me that none of our friends knew. I HAD TO KNOW.

My friend wouldn't tell me directly at first. She asked me things like, "What do you think about person #1" which was her boyfriend and I answered honestly.

"What do you think about person #2?" which was our friend's boyfriend and I answered honestly.

"What do you think about person #3?" which was one of our friends. I answered honestly, but she stopped me and specified about what I thought about him in terms of looks and personality. I answered honestly.

"What do you think about person #4?" which is another one of my friends, and I answered honestly.

This is when I realized...... it was about someone who must have had a thing for me. And I knew exactly who she was talking about. Let's call him 000. How much more obvious could she get? She was saving that guy for last because he is in our group of friends..... *sigh*

And my friend, being a girl, she had to spill everything out because we started to talk about the good stuff. First of all, to make things seem a bit more understandable, I'll mention how the guys who are single in my group of friends are known to play with girls. They're not bad guys, they're great friends, but it's just that when it comes to partying and pretty girls, they kinda suck hahaha. So my friend told me how this all started. Her and 000 were having a conversation over text. And it was all about how she doesn't like how he and the other guys are basically players and quitters (? I think that's how she described them... quitters. I dunno she talks thug and I don't lol). She was trying to tell him to stop messing around with girls so much because she thinks its wrong. Like it's cool to party and meet up with girls, but not making the girls believe things exist when they don't care. And 000 took her words into consideration and told her that he was going/wanted to change. And the last text was basically saying how 000 was now going to try his chances with me.

When I heard this story, I was just jaw-dropping. Not because I thought this was sweet and I was happy that someone liked me. But because..... AHHH I can't explain directly. There's just a back story to this too, which I will summarize:

I met 000 in the middle of last semester. So this was after my friend problems and I started to hang out with the people I hang out with today. When I would study with them, and since I started to hang around them, I got to know 000 more and a couple of other people. I was still upset how I was treated by my old group and how I still felt like I had no friends and I would have a sad face without knowing it around that time. 000 would always ask and even text me about it. I came up with two reasons for that. Number one, he was, and still is, close friends with my roommate at that time and if you remember, she was a part of the crazy old group of friends that I had and I have no doubt that she told him about it since she told a lot of random people about it. Number two, I had a feeling that he was getting interested in me.... Since it was just a guess, I just ignored that possibility and lived on with life. But when I think about it.... he did text me a lot and always attempted to take care of me when I was drunk or something.... errrrrr.

So. yeah. I told my friend that and also that I have absolutely NO INTEREST in 000 and never had. He was just a friend to me and that's how far it'll get. My friend was of course curious about why I had no interest because she did think that he was a good guy and stuff. So we talked about our past. She told me about her personal stories about her past relationships and current one and I told her how I've never dated anyone still. When I told her that I was single my entire life, I got the usual " OMG I don't believe you!" or "You're serious? I bet you're lying" type of stuff. But at the same time she told me that she kind of expected that from me because now that she knows me, she sees the "innocent" side to me aside from my open dirty mind and perverted-ness.

Actually, the more openly perverted you are, the more innocent... Kinda true I guess.

Anyway, after talking she jokingly told me that I'm a heartbeaker since I just can't like 000 back. But she understood why and concluded that I'm just not interested dating and that I'm just not ready. (To me it's I'm not interested and he's not my type... LOL I'm bad) THIS WAS ALL JUST DAY ONE


The next day, I noticed that 000 started to text me a lot again. We barely texted each other since school ended and because I've been busy I've barely even seen him this school year. But I treated it as if I never had that conversation with my friend the night before and texted away like I normally did.

But my inner girl gossip spirit had to tell someone else about it. And I turned to my best Korean friend JH who's also in our group of friends. I told her everything and during that entire time I was talking, she had a smirk on her face. Then I had her tell me what she knew....

And these are the things she knew:
1. She's known that 000 has liked me since I started being friends and that he even TALKED TO HER ABOUT IT. The reason why she never told me this was because she knew that I wouldn't have been interested and that it was unnecessary (I love her because she's so reasonable like that)

2. EVERYONE has known that 000 has at least had interest in me since last year.

3. Last Friday night, I went partying with another group of friends and that night, she and my friends had their own small party. And since I was the only one that wasn't there, JH asked 000 directly in FRONT OF EVERYONE if he still liked me. JH said that he said I don't know, but was like turning red....

4. That same night 000 was opening up to JH and hold her that he thinks that he's creeping me out by texting too much and that I'm too good for him etc. (drunk talk? lol) And JH was just encouraging him to text me more ( LOL I love JH for that too. She's just honest hahaha)

So yeah... Last night too, I tested it out if my friends knew too since NO ONE but those two girls had actually told me that they knew about 000. While we were eating dinner, everyone but two guys were at the table with me for a few minutes. I asked if 000 was going to this event that I invited everyone to go to. And the two guys looked at each other and started laughing and told me "Why don't you call him or text him if he's going?" ... I hate them hahaha

Anyway. I'm just ranting about this because I hate it when you're the last to know about things and it ends up being about you... And this is kind of a re-run of how I have guys like me that I DON'T LIKE in that way....

I have yet to see 000 since the first days of school. We'll see how things go lol.




WHY CAN'T I FIND A TALL KOREAN GUY THAT HAS A GDRAGONLIKE ATMOSTPHERE?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

MBLAQ's Mona Lisa Fashion and Style

OK!!!!!! New post about getting MBLAQ's style in their music video Mona Lisa, which you can check out here:

(The quality is not as good as the other videos you can find on youtube, but that video belongs to the official youtube account and I want it to get more views muahaha)

Apparently, MBLAQ got a new fashion coordinator, which is pretty obvious because when I first watched this MV, I was like "wow.... they looks SOOO much sexier for some reason". If you watch their first music video "Oh Yeah", their clothes looked pretty good for a brand new group and them pulling up their shirts was definitely eye candy for girls lol.

Then you go on and see Y, and wtf they're like a fashionable superman or something.

Anyway, good for them for looking really stylish now. And as a matter of fact, the style that they're pulling off so well in Mona Lisa is my FAVORITE for both guys and girls. Why? Because it's a more mature yet young look, it's really stylish, and it goes perfect with the fall/autumn season that's coming up! If I had the money, I'd be buying clothes like this all the time and going out. If I had a boyfriend or some guy that I can play dress up with (haha funny thought), I'd be putting on clothes and showing him off.

I'm only going to elaborate on three of my favorite outfits shown in the music video... And don't worry, although these are guys, girls can definitely wear basically the same thing and pull it off just as well! (don't think it's because supposedly all Korean guys look girly....)


So there are three different looks in the MV. 

The first look you see when they walk in:

This look as a white and "wild" thing going on with the leopard print, and the eagle on Lee Joon's sleeveless shirt.



Second look is when then you see them dance in this abandoned building with a random gas station inside:

This is my favorite of the three looks and it's mostly black with hints of red (always a Fall combo). I'm loving the American flag print on Mir's pants, looks so funny! Anyway, it looks mature and of course, stylish. And trust me, girls and guys can wear this and look good.



And finally, the third is when they're outside of the building and in the parking lot thing:
(and wtf is with Mir's wingflap stuff? lol)

This look involves a lot of print and patterns, which is honestly very easy to find and wear....

So I guess I will explain this look. Just find a loose shirt with a print/pattern that is eye catching in a good way, simple accessories, maybe put on a jacket or blazer, and then wear simple jeans/leggings to tone the overall look down. If you wear print legging, you're gonna look stupid and crazy.... lol. Shoes/heels should be colorful.

Now here is outfit #1 ----- Thunder's outfit!

Here, Thunder is wearing a black mesh shirt. I've looked at quite a few places, a mesh shirts are a little hard to grab your hands on, and if you do, they're usually pricey. YesStyle has mesh items (for men and women), but like I said, it's pricey and if you want to get Thunder's style exactly, most likely you have to get a guy's shirt. Recently a lot of mesh stuff has been made as outerwear for swim suits or active wear, but you "always" have to wear something under. I don't think Thunder is wearing anything under but whatever. If you're a girl, please don't be all skanky and wear nothing under or just a bra... 344 has mesh tanks, and although they're really stretchy, they're so tight if you have the slightest bulge of fat it's going to be shown...

The white vest is a little longer than the vests you see in nowadays fashion (they're usually short up to the waist), but honestly, that can work too. Thunder's vest has these black belt strips, but those were most likely put on by hand. Really, any pure white vest with little black or whatever color details can work.

What I don't like about this outfit though are the pants... Thunder wears print leggings under a kilt or very baggy knee shorts. Actually I think it's a kilt. I personally think it makes you're legs look shorter. I guess you could do that but.... *cough*. What I think is a street-friendlier choice is to wear black and white leggings, maybe not as much pattern, or for the more conservative, skinny black jeans or simple leggings.

Shoes - figure it out yourself. It's infinite.

This is from Urban Outfitters and it's actually on sale now for only $19.99. I HAVE THE BEIGE ONE AHH I LOOOVE IT!

Outfit #2 ----- Lee Joon's outfit!

Lee Joon make's me drool, so I'm sure if a guy wears what he's wearing, he'll make me drool too. If a girl wears it and pulls it off, damn, she's just hot and stylish. Anyway, his look is very simple as it's all black. What I love about it is that although it's all black, it doesn't look plain. The only problem is that you should be skinny/thin to wear this because of the style of pants he's wearing.

I LOVE his shirt. It's fit yet it looks loose and baggy and has a deep scoop neck thing - it adds curiosity because people like me want to see skin lol. You may think these shirts are easy to find, BUT THEY'RE NOT!

On top of that, he's wearing a tight mesh or knit cardigan. It doesn't look like it but IT IS a bit see through. The good thing about mesh or knit is that they stretch and fit you easily and show off your curves lol. The cardigan is the average cardigan length and has no buttons whatsoever. This is also hard to find... I searched many stores and they just don't make mesh things in this country or pretty knit cardigans.....

The hardest part of the outfit to pull of are the harem pants. I, as well as every Korean, call them "ddong ba-ji" or "poop pants" because they look like you took a shit in your pants LOL! I just learned recently that they're called harem pants. Anyway, you MUST be thin to wear them because they make your legs look shorter and fatter, usually. But the one Lee Joon is wearing is pretty nice because the baggy part of his bottoms aren't that low. And girls can wear the ones that end in the middle of the shin because they're cute.


Outfit #3 ----- Mir's outfit!

Mir's outfit is pretty cute and honestly, it kinda only works for guys. But whatever, I don't care.
I'm loving his dark red shirt because of the print on it. It's simple, clean and it doesn't hurt my eyes. Any dark color can work, but red is always paired with black for fall style. So good luck trying to find something like that in stores.

On top, he's wearing a very simple black collar button up shirt whatever the hell you call it. But it can't be just any one because his is long sleeved (just rolled up which gives it more style) and it has that extra thing on top of the shoulders with the snap on, gold buttons. Those things give more volume to your shoulders like shoulder pads, and it gives it a more edgy feel which fall fashion is always about. And the collar should come out like this. If you don't like that, any other black blazer or collared jacket can work just as well.

As for bottoms, simple black skinny jeans work the best. And if you want you can add any flag of your choice on the front, top half of your pants. Or just simple chains can do the job.




I hope my explanation's gave a little more insight of what the MBLAQ members wore in their awesome music video! And I hope you can go shopping with a bit more ease on what kind of look you want to wear when you go out on the streets (or you can dress up your boyfriend as a gift hahhaa). Of course, you can vary it to however you want to, it's all up to you. It's already hard enough to find pretty clothes the way I want in stores... (Online shopping is the best because you can buy stuff from across the freaking world)

I promise, If you just follow what I said, you can be looking like MBLAQ and stylish for the fall :)

First Days of School

IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!

Ok, so I'm officially a SOPHMORE at my college. It's already my 5th day here and 3rd day of classes! And so far, it's actually been EXTREMELY GOOD. School-wise and friend-wise. And I'll talk about the boring stuff first and get into the more juicy gossip-worth stuff >:)

So just to let you know a but about what happened to me last year, I REALLY screwed up the beginning of my freshmen year academically and socially later in the year. But thankfully, everything got a little better near the end.

I mean, my grades are still ehhh, but this year, I'm GETTING THAT 4.0!!! The classes I'm taking this semester seem pretty easy. I'm taking 4 altogether. One of those four I'm retaking due to my stupidity in the beginning of my freshmen year, so that shouldn't be too bad. Another is pretty interesting since it's about Chinese literature and the professor seems really intelligent and I feel smarter when I'm around him. And the other two are science classes with labs (UGH) but science comes easily for me, AND they're intro classes! 4.0 sounds very possible!!

And I just changed my major today into Microbiology. Before I was a Communications major, but the program here sucks and my dad wanted to kill me since my dreams of being in Public Relations was too stupid and materialistic for him, and after that a Computer Science major, which those who know me know that I failed terribly in that class (lol.... not).

But changing my major seems like a real new and fresh start for me, and it also means I'm one step closer in being a PLASTIC SURGEON!! (YES I WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE FAKE, BUT FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES AND PRETTY!)

My GPA is still going to hurt me until the last days of my Senior year, but the past is the past. What's done is done. It's a brand new time, there are brand new faces to be seen, and now I'm much wiser than ever before.

BUT OF COURSE (!!) some things are the same. ( Like how I'm transitioning to my social stuff??)
So as I mentioned before, I had huge drama near Spring break and on until the very end. If you knew what happened, you would know that it was COMPLETELY STUPID, and I didn't deserve the shit I got and that the other party was (and still is) super immature about stuff.

So since this is a new year and stuff, I thought that the guy that I had the biggest problem with wasn't going to be there since he graduated back in the summer time. But one day, I visited my old dorm to say hi to some old friends and as I was about to go into one room, I heard laughing..... Very familiar sounding too. And all of a sudden someone told me that the guy I had problems with AND EVERYONE ELSE that I had problems with in the past were ALL in the room!! Seriously, I knew that he was a dumbass, but DAMN, he must be fucking really dumb for taking ANOTHER semester here in school!! (Most kids would just take summer classes to "seem" that they graduated on time, but the really dumb ones stay much longer....)

So that was one thing that really made me sad/angry/depressed. But it's new times right? I'm over it and I'm totally willing to say hi when I see his face... But let me get going..

Then that same night, I went to eat with all of me friends and of course along the way of getting food I saw a bunch of other people that I knew. One of them was my good Korean friend. As we hugged I met eyes with none other than, my ex-roommate (yes she and I had problems too because she was on the same side as the dumbass dude). Again I thought, It's a new year, who cares?!, and said hi to her also as I was still hugging with my Korean buddy. And what does that bitch do? Look down and wave shyly........ Ok, it may not sound that bad, but trust me, that's totally different than her normal personality and it just showed CLEARLY that she still had problems with me... And the funny thing was that that bitch told the other girls that were sitting at the table, and they treated me differently too last year, but even they were all happy to see me and hugged me too when I saw them that night.

Last night was kinda funny too.... My friends and I went to eat dinner and that time, I just saw EVERYONE. The dumbass dude, my ex-roommate, and just everyone else that got involved and were against me. There was ONLY ONE GUY in that group of friends that understood what I was going through last year and he was the only one that actually talked to me normally for the rest of the year. When I saw him, I gave him a big hug and he still remembered my Korean name, Heekyung, and we were all good. And when I sat down to eat with my friends, guess who were sitting behind me and sitting at the other table next to me.... ALL OF THOSE ASSHOLES. I clearly made eye contact with the dumbass dude, but before I could say hi, he literally turned his head away and walked really fast away. (That's so mature Mr. 22 year old....)

But I didn't care. No one was willing to say hi to me but it didn't get to me. I was sitting with MY friends and having a good time and staring and eating the strange sushi that had rice crispies all over it. But while we were eating, that one good guy that calls me by my Korean name, kept on yelling out "Heekyung! Heekyung!" to just talk about how our summers were and stuff. He was sitting at the table next to mine and he was RIGHT NEXT to Dumbass. Dumbass and the others didn't look at me or the nice guy at all while we were talking.

What really pissed me off though was what when I got up to get more food and water, I saw Dumbass, ex-roomie, and others all get up and talk to my friends that were sitting with me ( my friends don't know anything negative about my relationship with them and they're chill with them)...... And when they started to notice that I was coming back, they all went back to sit down........ And then I overheard my ex-roommate say "Oh we should sit together for lunch, just us, next time!"

-___________-

yo... wtf? She's like... still trying to get in my space.

And I just remembered... She visited my dorm the other day and she would NOT get near me and I overheard her talking about me in a kinda awkward/rude way to one of my friends.... bitch

Anyway, I guess things will never change. But I know better and I don't need them HA


Here's the good part of the first few days though!!
I didn't realize how much I missed my friends until I saw them altogether and when we were all talking again. I really missed how we would just all sit in one stuffy room and just talk about random things that pop up in our minds. And to them, I'm still known as dirty mind haha. The dorm that I'm living is pretty fun because a lot of my friends are on the same floor and the girls and I take showers together while the guys just chill in their room and do.. stuff lol.

And I'm also making a whole other group of friends since I am now a part of KSA (Korean Student Organization). I'm the newest member on the e-board as the media chair ( which is time consuming, but fun since I make all of the event posters and facebook stuff ). Everyone on the e-board were already really close with each other and I was really worried about fitting in since I was the new one. I only know most of them but could only say a "hi"/"bye" thing. But they gladly took me in with open arms and they're all so friendly! Guess I can't escape the Koreans! lol

I guess all I can really say is that I am SO THANKFUL for having the friends that I have. Some who know about my past drama understand me and still talk to me since they know me as who I am and not by my mistakes. I'm happy that I'm making a lot of new friends easily through KSA. And even though I'm getting extremely busy because of KSA and classes, my friends are still my friends since they respect and understand that I can't always be there and I love them for that and I am happy!!

And that's it for now! Hopefully things won't get anymore sour than I've experienced so far and even if they do, I know I always have others to back me up ;)

Deleting deleting deleting

Okay, so I've been wondering whether or not I should delete even more posts.... I've already deleted quite a few and the reason for that was because I didn't want my blog to become filled with hate and rant posts..... The main purpose for my blog was to post about the things I love and my "fun" life.....

Obviously I strayed kinda far from that if you read my past posts... And even the last two are both hating on something. But I can't find myself to delete those because the things I talked about are TRULY about how I feel, so I guess I'll keep them - just hope that I don't seem like a disgusting person, but whatever it's your opinion.

I deleted my other posts not only because they were depressing and yucky, but also because I want to erase it from my memory. Those previous posts reflected on how hurt and mistreated I was from certain people and how depressed I felt on certain events. Those events hurt me so much that I just wanted to get it out of my head, but the way I do that is write it all down somewhere. If it was in a notebook, eventually I'd rip the page out to kinda symbolize that it's not worth remembering anymore and that I should just throw it away. And I guess on here, I'd just delete it.

Anyway, my "deleting" hasn't stopped from there. Recently I've also been deleting a lot of pictures on my Facebook and untagging myself in many more. Some pictures were just getting old, so I had to delete and untag myself from them. But most of the pictures that I had to untag myself from were my freshmen college pictures. If you read my previous depressing posts, you'd know that my freshmen college year wasn't the best thing to ever want to remember again (plus I don't want pictures of me super red and beer cans all around me do I?). I literally untagged myself in EVERY college picture I could find except for like two because I'm still good friends with the girl I'm in the picture with.

As I was continuously untagging myself, I was still looking through the pictures and it just made me feel even more sad and depressed... Why didn't I just live through a normal college year? 99% of all college kids have a blast in their freshmen year and I just happen to be in that 1% that struggled through it.... But the pictures said something else... I looked like I was having a ton of fun... It looked like I had a ton of friends. I looked liked I went out all the time and overall led a healthy, typical American college student life. I even took down my favorite New York trip pictures.... I saw pictures from my first stupid frat parties with my first girl friends and we all looks so happy in them. I saw pictures of me and my friends all dressed up and dancing and posing. But the pictures didn't tell everything I went through, which was why I had to delete and untag myself in ALL of those pictures.

(funny thing too... there were some pictures I really really really wanted to keep because I looked really pretty and skinny in them.... but I couldn't be biased and shallow lol)

Anyway, know I have this thought in my head... Does deleting everything actually make me feel better? In a way, it kinda does. I actually DO feel like none of that has happened before because nothing is there for me to be reminded of them! If I can't remember those bad times, what is there for me to be sad about? And I also feel as if I'm free from those bad memories and nothing pulls me down anymore. For example, when I had friend issues, I was constantly reminded of them and it was really hard for me to get my confidence back to make new friends. Now, there's nothing to hold me back and I'm more excited than ever to meet new people. Deleting those posts and pictures and everything else related makes me feel free.

I guess the only "sad" part of doing all of this is that I DID have those memories and it's just showing that I missed out a lot in life and now I'm just erasing everything. It's kind of (KIND OF) of like "running away" which most people in this world can agree that running away is a cowardly and stupid thing to do.

But my personality can care less. I just have to have the best interest of keeping myself healthy and happy, so if deleting and throwing away memories is how it works for me, then I'll do it.

And I'm not trying to encourage people to delete and throw away every physical thing that reminds them of something bad. I mean, I get into a ton of fights with my dad, but I don't rip up and burn every picture I have with him or throw away his shoes or something. I just write what happened down, think about it for some time, and then throw away those papers. I'm just saying that writing things down and throwing it away can really help you feel better in a pretty healthy way and you feel free of it after. (I guess you can keep it... ButI don't think keeping every negative piece you write is such a good idea because, well, it's not happy.) As for the pictures on Facebook, you might as well delete and untag every picture because you'll eventually get sick of them lol. Just kidding, just give it some thought like I did.

.....................

STILL! Why do I still keep some depressing posts when I already deleted a lot of other ones? Well again, I just feel strongly about those things I've written about, especially my "ugly" post.

In the end, I just have to give it a lot of thought about deleting memories from my past. Only I can look after myself and I have to look forward to live a happy and eventful life! Don't let stupid crap make you feel any less about yourself!

THUMBS UP! from One Two's single "Very Good!" 'cuz you deserve it lol
peace&love